The Stress Tunnel
Mental health is so misunderstood. People do not like to admit having symptoms of a mental health disorder. Some whisper about depression and anxiety, like they will never have to deal with it themselves. Well, guess what? We are all likely to experience symptoms of a mental health disorder at some point in our lives. With losses, health scares and uncontrolled circumstances, each of us will face a trauma or intense hardship of some sort along the path of life. Although many do not share their personal hardships, they experience them.
Emotional pain naturally leads to feelings of self-doubt. With repeated exposure to stress, you are likely to shut down in exhaustion, feeling signs of burnout that trigger mood changes. I guess if you don’t ask, you won’t know what others carry in their emotional backpacks. Mental health struggles are in all of us. Are you the kind of person who genuinely asks about the lessons learned from pain in others?
Most people become uncomfortable when others hurt, saying nothing in fear of not saying or doing the right thing. I typically instruct my clients to simply listen. Listen to understand perspectives other than your own, and give emotional support for the experiences that make people resilient.
Many admit to having “stress” because this seems safer than saying that they are not OK. But we all struggle. Actually, the sooner you learn the skills for managing emotion and conflict, the better. Aim not to protect yourself and your loved ones from pain but instead learn to understand it better, celebrating the gifts that pain gives you. By learning through the struggle, you can see what that difficulty was for in your life.
I remember reading Emily and Amelia Nogoski’s book called Burnout. It talks about how healthy people move through stress. According to research, our emotions go through phases, having a beginning, middle and end. The authors use the metaphor of emotions passing through a tunnel, getting to the other side where they are resolved.
On average, people don’t like to talk about their feelings in fear of seeming weak, but that is far from the truth. Weakness is refusing to deal with a problem. It is not taking the time or having the insight to understand the core of a problem. It’s avoiding or overreacting to a problem that can be solved through the development of a new skill. When you are growth-minded, you don't believe you understand problems right off the bat. Instead, you seek counsel for clarity, understanding your limitations and biases.
One of the skills I encourage in others is learning how to notice when your alignment is off-track following a triggered emotion. Once you spot this, you can then name your emotion so you can talk about it openly, neutralizing the triggered situation by staying calm before directing toward a solution. I know this is easier said than done. It requires effort, insight and practice.
The regulation tool I have encouraged others to practice is the VOLUME button. When I was a teenager, I remember having my own boombox, playing my cassettes and taping off of Kasey Kasem’s American Top 40 list. I can still hear my parents yelling for me to turn it down when I would blast the songs I loved so much.
When it comes to emotions, you can learn to spot them, name them and regulate them by turning them up or down when that is warranted. For example, if you are struggling with wanting to disengage emotionally from someone who you feel is overreacting, turning up the volume of empathy is about seeing the importance of his or her experience. Rather than shutting down or labeling that other person as “too emotional,” you can take the time to learn why the issue is so important to him or her and join in support of what is important to him or her. You don’t have to agree, just support. Support brings connection.
On the other hand, learning to turn down the volume to your emotion might be necessary when you are overreacting with anger, irritability or fear in a situation that does not require emotional intensity. By taking the time to calm your body and mind, you are better prepared to problem solve and collaborate with those around you.
If logic is your superpower, you may struggle with understanding those with an emotional mind. If you are empathetic, you may get frustrated with the highly logical person who seems to lack emotion. Both empathy and logic are superpowers. Nevertheless, superpowers must be regulated so that they are used for positive — not negative — influence.
Examine yourself today. Ask yourself:
Can I accurately identify and manage my emotions?
Do I celebrate those who have the gifts on the opposite side of my ability?
Can I learn from those different from me, being a teacher to them as well and using my superpower for good?
Let’s work on helping each other rather than fighting each other. Let’s work on trusting the process rather than blaming or judging results. In the big picture, living your purpose is more important than any single event that creates stress or pain. See yourself through the tunnel of stress, finding peace at the end of that tunnel. When you do, you will truly be a person of influence.