Catching Side Talk: Friendship or Gossip?
One of Delta Defense’s Core Values is to “Roll Shit Uphill.” This organizational value addresses the toxic impact of gossip, which affects the quality of relationships, tolerance and inclusivity in our organization. Our cultural value is to address problems directly and respectfully (i.e., avoiding “side talk”). If conflict is unsuccessful or emotionally unsafe for an employee to resolve directly, then it is rolled up to a supervisor or manager to collaboratively create a healthy and peaceful resolve plan. No system or protocol is perfect. At Delta, we are not perfect either. However, we openly talk about our values, using them as guides for difficult situations that arise in our fast-growing family.
Mindset matters. We live in a world where we have to be careful about not offending others. The real problem lies in how we talk to each other about differences and in the attitudes surrounding these differences.
Our families, businesses, communities and the world at large are so very divided. Social media perpetuates this division. Is it OK for each of us to have our own perspective? Certainly. Can we do that without judging, putting others down or being verbally aggressive? Absolutely. Do we need validation from others to prove our point or feel justified that our perspective is right? No, we don’t. We have thousands of thoughts each day, and they are not always accurate. Truth comes from something other than opinion, popular view and what ignites emotion.
Gossip is casual conversation or shared information about others, typically involving details that are not confirmed or those from a limited perspective. When we are quick to run to someone else to share information that could negatively impact a reputation, it is wrong and unhelpful in the big picture.
As a life coach, I hear justifications of “I’m just venting” and “We are good friends who tell each other everything” as disguises for violating the rights of others. Like any problem area that needs to change, we can do better by setting an intention to watch out for traps that pull us away from our best self accountability. We can change anything we decide to change, including how we see others, how we manage frustrations and how we handle moments of conflict.
When we don’t like, agree or support another’s point of view, we have choices. We can notice the difference without attacking, dismissing or resisting. We can ask questions to understand what is really being said to ensure clarity. Furthermore, we can accept that not everyone has to agree but that everyone can still be kind in how they speak around these differences.
Watch out for your ego, evidenced in a superior mindset. (Most of us are blind to these moments because of the justifications we rehearse about why we feel as we do.) Ego shows up when you are defensive, ranting, labeling others or exaggerating the values that you hold true. It appears when you are withdrawing, comparing yourself to others or avoiding solving a problem because of fear or apathy.
Notice your strong emotions. They arise as irritations, frustrations and negative energy in your communication. Be on guard for right fighting impulses rather than listening to understand. Watch out for moments when you are sharing strong opinions, as they are based on limited perspective, not full reality.
I think we are all guilty of this need to be heard. Self-awareness teaches us that the act of observation is more important in unity than proving who is right. Self-regulation teaches us that managing the self is our responsibility. It guides us to share our views in a calm, clear and kind manner. No one makes you feel or do anything. It is your choice how you react, how you think and what you do. Your attitude defines what gets “air time” in your head.
One of my favorite Bible passages is James 1:19-20: “My dear brothers and sisters, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry, because human anger does not produce the righteousness that God desires.”
Choose to be a person who listens more than speaks. Put patience and peace in your pockets as you interact with the people throughout your day — especially those who impact you emotionally. Surround yourself with many opinions — not just the ones that are comfortable. Choose your perspective based on your values, but don’t use your values as a weapon. Model discernment without speaking in judgment. Be curious about differences, letting go of assumptions and the need to be right or validated by others.
Lead with patience and peace. When you pursue harmony, you navigate differences and promote cooperation toward a unified goal.