The People-Pleasing Phenomenon: The Endless Pit of Validation
Many of us take pride in being able to manage our communication, staying calm and keeping to professional boundaries. Being professional is about keeping a cool head, sticking to limits and not letting negativity escalate … right? But can we lean into voicing differences, rumbling through disagreements or challenging each other? Yes, I believe we can. In order to do that, we must let go of the need to please or be validated for what we think or do. Instead we have to practice being clear, consistent and calm in our execution of our intended action plans.
One of the stories I loved to read to my daughters when they were young was Max Lucado’s children's book You Are Special. There was a character in the story who tried to please others and felt insecure because he was not getting positive validation from others. I recall the message of the book warning against comparing ourselves to others and relying on the opinions of others (whether good or bad).
When you hear negative feedback, it is easy to jump into a “less than” mindset, worrying about what others think and questioning your worth. When you react emotionally, it leads to feeling offended and turns into judgment and eventually shame. This is emotionally unhealthy because this habit pattern blocks your productivity, pivoting you away from making an authentic impact. It leads to you getting lost in the weeds rather than staying focused on the path forward.
Isn’t positive feedback necessary? Validation can provide energy and motivation. Yet it can be dangerous if you rely on it to feel good about yourself or to keep motivated. You have to be careful not to attach to the need for validation. Seeking the approval of yourself may be less rewarding internally and out of your normal habit. The story you tell yourself is that you don’t want to be arrogant and self-involved, and therefore self-validation is not an option. But can you validate yourself without letting it nurture your ego? Of course you can. Self-validation is not about being better than others. It is about following the path that grows your development.
Validating yourself is about meeting your goals and feeling secure with how you accomplished those goals. It is confidence that you can figure things out, obstacles and all. Needing constant validation leads to anxiety in the big picture. The bottom line goal is knowing where you are going and having a healthy internal voice inside that coaches you along the way.
Here are some tips that can help you shift from needing validation to being more secure:
Notice when you are engaged in the unhelpful habits of either blocking or attaching to feedback (positive or negative). Stay focused on secure thoughts about taking the next step bringing you closer to reaching your goal.
Validate yourself when you notice alignment in your choices and accomplishments, celebrating small wins.
Shift your focus from a compliment received to a compliment given (pay it forward), identifying who helped you develop that particular skill.
Use self-doubt in a productive way, focusing on being thorough or thoughtful rather than self-deprecating.
Watch out for “imposter syndrome” patterns, faking your way through instead of sharing insecurities openly. When you share, you release intrusive thoughts that impact your attitude. Vulnerability helps you rumble through the “big picture” plan with all of the ups and downs of learning.
Don’t rely on compliments as the only way to appreciate others. Know the love language of others so that you are meeting them based on their needs.
Understanding your boundaries are important to you being authentic. This is not just knowing what you won’t do (the “no” part of boundaries) but also about what you want, communicating intention from your values. Learning to skillfully share your boundaries comes from a place of knowing yourself, not being afraid of what others think or making a negative story about what they are doing.
You can learn to set boundaries in a beautiful way, not avoiding or with the demands of a boundary bully. The energy associated with establishing boundaries is one of peace, warmth and secureness. It is not rigid, driven by fear, frustration or irritation.
This understanding is where many get confused.
When you are secure, fear or insecurity will not lead you.
When you are secure, your ego will not drive demands, correcting others or needing to be right.
When you are secure, you seek understanding from others, learning what they need based on their experiences.
When you are secure, you share feelings openly and with calm clarity, seeking connection.
Take time today to reflect on what you need to say to yourself during the difficult interactions of your life in order to be aligned with your best self. When you approach difficulties from a place of peaceful intention, your focus will be on being a healthy leader in the process of solving the problem rather than being about the problem itself. Leading, rather than pleasing, allows your triggered emotion to pass before clearly directing the collaborative problem-solving needed for resolve.
If we all worked on this regularly, our home and work environments would be filled with connection. Isn’t that exactly what we want?
I do.
Join me.