Front Door Communication: Knock Before Entering
When it comes to good leadership, how we communicate matters. We all want to be good communicators, and most of the time we probably do a decent job with it. That is, of course, until we don’t. It’s not easy to maintain skillful intention when we are frustrated or triggered by emotion. We notice when others handle conflict poorly much more quickly than we recognize our own less than perfect moments. Our true leadership potential is demonstrated by accurately observing when we fail to be helpful to others. When we respond to our communication failures with openness and accountability, we create understanding and motivation to amend these moments for future success.
When I am facilitating a training on communication, I often use these four images to describe styles of communication:
The doormat — passive
The bulldozer — aggressive
The back window — passive-aggressive
The front door — assertive
The doormat approach, known as the passive style of communication, is when you have something to say and don’t say it in fear of how someone might respond. Avoidance of addressing problems involves stuffing your perspective and later feeling like someone just walked all over you. This leads to resentment. The doormat method comes with a faulty belief that your perspective does not matter and that you will not be able to handle conflict if it occurs. When stuck in a doormat experience, you may justify passivity by either blaming the other person for not being fair or simply nurturing internal fears about not being understood. Fear can lead to a paradigm of not wanting to rock the boat, which nurtures avoidance rather than resolve.
The bulldozer method is the aggressive style of communicating where you interrupt or talk over another, control the conversation and use a tone that carries strong intensity toward your agenda. When you are receiving information from a bulldozer, you feel flattened when the conversation is over. This style of communication leads you to disregard the feelings of the other party in an effort to accomplish your purpose. You might justify this perspective by saying, “I am just very direct.” This paradigm is an excuse to be aggressive with words and tone.
The back window style is the passive-aggressive approach, which is indirect and often immature. If you’re caught in this communication pattern, you’ll let the other person know you are upset without saying it. In this trap, you might shut down or refuse to participate in the conversation. Out of frustration, you might make sarcastic comments or get busy doing something else, all while giving the other party clear signals that you’re upset. At this moment, it is obvious that you’re upset, but you won't say it or address the issue constructively. It’s like sneaking into your home through the back window. You have a door, but choose the harder way to enter.
The healthy way of communicating is the front door method. This assertive style of addressing a difficult conversation is direct and respectful. Being assertive is about securely sharing your feelings with clarity and kindness. This style avoids aggressive blame and hurtful energy. It creates an openness to be vulnerable and transparent without avoidance or fear. The front door to communication involves knocking first and waiting to enter with intention and mutual participation.
This method would look like this: “Hey friend, when you get a free moment and are in a good head space, could we talk about something important to me?” This statement is the knock on the front door before entering method. By asking to talk when the other is ready, you attend to the relationship with empathy before addressing the difficult topic or needed boundary. Once you enter through the door, the conversation has a better chance of staying in a mutually beneficial place.
Empathy is the ability to understand the perspective of another. It is one of the key parts to healthy communication. You can learn to stay out of judgment by asking questions and creating a safe energy for connection.
When it comes to empathy, you’re likely to get stuck in one of four common mistakes:
Daydreaming or mind wandering while in conversation with others
Thinking of what you want to say next instead of listening fully
Judging the person for his or her perspective/choices, and making assumptions
Listening with an agenda rather than focusing on trust and connection
Do you exhibit any of these empathy errors? Observe these moments in yourself so that you practice empathy in your communication. Choose to notice moments when you are being a doormat, a bulldozer or a back window communicator.
Instead, take a slow deep breath, knock on the door and enter with permission, seeking an opportunity to resolve with respect and emotional security. If someone refuses to open the door, walk away in peace knowing that you tried to resolve the situation in a skillful way.
Leading communication is about the mindset and energy you bring to create emotional safety surrounding any issue that needs to be solved.
Choose to lead in your most skilled self. Knock first!