Your Big Bad Hairy Ego
Ego is a misunderstood concept among many. People often think it is about arrogance, but superior thinking is only a part of the ego. Thanks to many modern researchers, you can recognize ego moments in your daily life. Ego is driven by insecurity that shows up in judgment moments toward yourself and others — specifically when you get stuck in “better than or worse than” thinking.
I recall a moment at work years ago when a colleague of mine noticed one of my less-than-pleasurable moods. I don’t recall what affected my mood that particular day, but I can tell you that I was not in my best self. Across the lunch table, he commented, “You know, Holly, you are not that big of a deal.” I chuckled inside, knowing with certainty that his comment was not meant to hurt but rather to bring insight. As a therapist, I was teaching others to be more self-aware but was struggling to apply it. I was in my blind spot.
When you get caught up in an emotional spiral of negative thoughts, you make yourself a big deal. Accurate perspective is about seeing the whole picture, not just a moment. This is a problem for all of us because we are humans who struggle with a desire to be seen, heard and validated. When I started watching for moments of self-concern, I could spot them. Using the phrase “I am not that big of a deal” became my reset mantra to shift my mood and mindset. This is why pain is so important. Your feelings are useful in the development of your insight. They cannot be the drivers of choice but rather the keys to self-awareness. The quicker you notice your ego moments, the better you are able to switch gears and get back on track. Awareness of emotion is helpful, but it means little without regulation.
There are many authors who have written books on mindfulness and intention that address the concept of the ego. I remember first reading about the ego in college from the work of Sigmund Freud, the founder of psychology back in the late 19th century. The ego, according to Freud, is the “want center” of human experience. It often pulls you into self-pity, compulsive “numbing-out” behavior, and frustration when you don’t get your way. This wanting what you desire is often at the core of negative emotional reactions.
It is easy to notice what you lack rather than what you have. When you have more, you want more. If you don’t get what you want, you quickly develop a story as to why you are unhappy. As this pattern continues, your mind compares yourself to others. This leads to feeling jealous or judgmental about the choices of others and to fighting to be right.
Notice when your ego surfaces in these moments of dissatisfaction. This is the moment you are frustrated or annoyed, arguing your position. When this occurs, say to yourself, “No thank you, ego. I am not that big of a deal.”
The struggle with ego begins when children are young. One child wants the toy that another child found. This noticing what others have pattern surfaces throughout the lifespan, nurturing competition in academia, fashion, athletics, financial living, family life and many other scenarios. It holds space in social media to share what you have for acceptance, often taking away from your unique experience. Although you want it, you don’t need to be validated by others.
Inferiority thinking is judgment pointed at the self. This self-driven judgment creates a mindset of having less opportunity, experience or value than others. When inferiority thinking drives your behaviors, you become the victim of your circumstances, which often becomes a catalyst for depressed moods. This loop of reviewing what is wrong becomes a pattern that separates you from other people, creating an energy of negativity.
Similarly, superiority thinking is judgment directed at others. When others think, say and do things that you feel are wrong, it is easy to make a superior judgment about having a better perspective. This is seen when you label others, which inflates your perspective or truth. When you stop resisting and attaching to what others are doing, asking authentic questions in curiosity, you can celebrate differences without judgment.
What does it really mean to be emotionally secure? Security is about operating from peace and patience — without defensiveness. It is seen when you can access your best self in the most challenging moments — keeping alignment with your identified values — which consistently support and guide your emotions, thoughts and choices.
Defensive behavior is a sign you have lost your way. Watch for these moments:
shutting down or withdrawing in conversation
feeling attacked or judged
raising your voice or having an unhelpful tone
complaining or venting (in your mind or with others)
avoiding a situation that needs to be addressed
repeatedly reviewing the negative
changing the subject in discomfort
walking on eggshells to avoid reaction
being sarcastic, rude or passive aggressive
You can access your secure voice in any situation. By observing and peacefully communicating what, how and why you do what you do, you practice secure living. Don’t give power to your big bad hairy ego. Instead, take time to align your perspective with your values before you open your mouth. Taking a peaceful pause to set intention before speaking nurtures your secure self.
I believe fear and the lack of emotional security is at the core of any “ism” in our world. It’s at the core of division. Insecurity, whether pointed at the self or others, leads to personal unhappiness. It separates people by creating division. You can see it in personal relationships, companies, economic and political systems, and faith communities. When you decide to change this, you abandon self-righteousness and advance to a level of authentic curiosity. You can stop the madness of being better or worse than others so that you can see others fully. Secure thinking drives intimacy and connection, which leads to trustworthiness and consistency.
The secure mind looks to celebrate the wins of others. When you put the best spin on the lives of others, you can accept that they are doing the best they can based on their experiences. A secure mindset strives to see the strengths in others … without worrying about how it impacts you. This is a way to honor differences. It also nurtures the best in yourself, accurately appraising your strengths and weaknesses.
Honor differences. Be vulnerable and accountable with the areas you need to develop to be your best self. When I started to do this, my life changed. Choose to celebrate the successes of others authentically. Don’t let the fear of being good enough rise up and create inferiority or superiority anxiety.
I am not that big of a deal. Neither are you. We can lean into secure living. If we all did this, our world would be a better place.