Carry Your Own Backpack

One of the phrases I hear circle back to me from my clients is “this is not my backpack.” I have used this backpack philosophy for some time now to teach awareness and regulation of emotional boundaries. Out of concern for loved ones, from the defensive nature of our desire to be right, or in justifying our values, we become easily affected by the behavior of others. We live in a world of high emotion. Anyone who is sensitive by nature will struggle with taking on the needs of others because of a compelling need to help. Additionally, anyone who has expertise or is passionate about a topic is vulnerable to express unwarranted opinion, being quick to give direction without examining the situation first. It can be a struggle to know how and when to help others.

In her literary work, Brene Brown talks about the stories we tell ourselves that justify why we do or do not intervene in problems around us. It is the stories we tell ourselves that drive opinion and judgment. These stories pave the path for how we respond and allow us to lean in with support. Based on the experiences and modeling of others in your life, that story will direct your attitude, emotions, mindset and behavior. For example, if your story is “this (situation) is not my business” or “this person is not safe to share this information with,” you are likely to pull away and avoid discussion connected to this situation. However, if you were raised in a family that shares easily and often, you may have a different instinct. The story that you accept in your mind directs the path.

In difficult situations we often forget to slow down enough to ask ourselves reflective questions. “What is the story I am telling myself about this situation? Is this story accurate and helpful? Does this issue belong to me? Was I asked to give an opinion or provide support? Am I justifying my behavior in this moment?”

These reflection questions set up the direction of our mindsets and behaviors. When our internal motivation focuses on the need to be right, we get stuck in boundary violations and relationship dilemmas that often lead to venting, gossip and secret frustration. Let’s face it: We enjoy being right. We like things going the way that is most comfortable for us. We enjoy knowing the business of others, even if our intentions are selfless. It’s human nature. As we reflect upon and understand our experiences as a guide to our motivations, we learn a path that leads to accepting and understanding others. Our boundaries are essential in defining who we are as individuals, and remaining congruent with those boundaries leads to peace, even if others do not agree or approve. This practice, difficult as it may be, changes how we interact, helping us release that which does not belong to us. It directs us to focus on what we actually have control over: ourselves.

The backpack philosophy goes like this: Imagine meeting up with a friend for a visit. Your time together has come to a close. When it is over, you are careful to take your items with you and leave your friend’s items with him or her. If I had my backpack (belongings) with me as I left a visit with you, I would pick it up and take it with me as I went on my way. I would not leave it behind with you to take care of, nor would you leave your items behind for me to take home. However, we do this very “emotional taking” all the time — and we justify it. Why do we emotionally take on the issues of others? Why do we give so much “air time” in our heads to things that are out of our control?

Now, this does not mean you don’t care about another person’s struggles. If you are a loving person, of course you care. Being empathetic and supportive is healthy. But you can care without losing sleep, happiness or time. When you see others as competent individuals, capable of figuring out their struggles and enduring them skillfully, you can let go of the mental control. Another person’s beliefs, struggles, opinions, feelings and perceptions belong to him or her, and yours belong to you. Your opinion, especially when unwarranted, often comes from an unconscious need to be right, wrapped up in a package of concern or principle.

We understand only a limited portion of the struggles of others, yet our thoughts tell us that we understand them fully, which generates opinions. In reality, we have no idea what another person is dealing with, even after he or she discloses feelings and perspective on a situation. We do not know the complexity of his or her thoughts, experiences, history or circumstances. We know only what we see and what he or she tells us. Having opinions about others is dangerous and often ignorant for this very reason. Our perceptions come from “our backpacks,” not from facts. This is why we must be careful about sharing opinions, directing others and giving judgments — because we hold only our experiences as perspective. This is also why gossip is so toxic and often inaccurate.

Perceptions are not reality. Although they are our personal reality, they are not true reality. And only once we accept this premise can we start asking questions out of curiosity for the purpose of understanding, gaining clarity and learning differences that drive positive change. The backpack approach is a gift that opens up your experience, humbles the self and brings connection.

Your backpack contains your experiences, thoughts, feelings, circumstances, knowledge you’ve acquired, goals, hopes and perceptions, and other peoples’ “backpacks” contain the exact same things. When we honor this boundary, it feels intrinsically right. When we don’t honor it, we generate internal worry, stress, irritation and frustration. This boundary of knowing what belongs to you and what doesn’t creates a guide that helps relationships go more smoothly, particularly around difficult moments. When this backpack boundary concept is applied in relationships and interactions of all kinds, it produces a meaningfulness that changes who we are and how we interact with others.

Let’s look at a benign situation like driving. If you observe someone driving in a way that you don’t like, think about how quickly you can get to irritation, judgment and frustration. Within seconds, you name-call, raise your voice, use body gestures and then vent to others afterwards, making assumptions about a situation that you know very little about. This same emotional response can happen with differences in opinion on the COVID virus, posts on someone else’s social media page or behavioral preferences on a variety of topics. But a sign of a healthy person is noticing that you are getting irrationally frustrated for something that you don’t have control over, accepting the moment of that struggle and then intentionally choosing to shift gears in your mindset so you can focus on something that actually belongs to you.

This is no easy task, but it is necessary to be emotionally skillful. Understanding that our thoughts are not always helpful or accurate is critical to our emotional development. How others think, act, believe and decide for themselves has little, if anything, to do with us. It is about their experience and does not involve us. When we are faced with an emotional situation, beginning from this point of reference creates clarity. Begin with self-reflection; ask yourself, “Which part of this situation belongs to me?” When you are clear with your boundaries, while remaining congruent with your best self, your skills develop. You get peace of mind when you are congruent with what is healthy and right rather than placing concern on what you think are the expectations or failure of others.

This boundary concept is helpful in allowing you to slow down and examine carefully what you choose to focus on in your thoughts. Remember, whatever you pay attention to … grows. Your thoughts drive your reactions and your choices. You carry biases in your backpack, and you are not always aware of those biases that drive your behavior

Now, if someone brings you into a problem and you are there willingly, go ahead and walk next to him or her as he or she carries his or her backpack while you carry yours. No one has a better or worse backpack, and everyone’s backpack is filled with unique items. When you ruminate on what others think, say or do, you are in violation of this boundary. Likewise, when you do things for others that they are capable of doing for themselves, you are carrying their items. If you are a leader, you may get skilled at helping others put on their backpacks, but never forget that those backpacks are theirs to carry

The “backpack philosophy” does not mean we are unaffected by others around us. Sometimes we get hit by someone else’s backpack. In situations where others unfairly push their agendas, make false or distorted accusations or use shock language to get their platforms heard, we need to be clear about what is true for ourselves. We can become skilled at ducking when others throw their backpacks around or pivoting in other directions when they ask us to carry them. We don’t have to pick up anyone’s emotional backpack, carry it around or even have emotions about it. This realization of what you choose to carry is a gift in emotional intelligence.

I challenge you to notice others’ backpacks and be clear about your own. Work hard at making sure you are carrying yours and not anyone else’s. And when you do this with intention, you’ll notice that your backpack gets lighter.