Good Versus Bad Feelings: Finding Neutrality
Do you consider some feelings good and others bad? I explore this dilemma frequently with my clients. Feelings are neither good nor bad. Emotions are clues to help you identify your needs. They guide you to advocate for healthy change and bring awareness when you need to regulate your emotions more effectively. How you know if you’re managing your feelings skillfully involves recognizing the intensity, frequency and intentions of your emotions. When you have insight about what drives the “whys” behind your emotions, you are open to developing skills in awareness and regulation.
You can learn to stop treating certain feelings like they are either good or bad. Anger, sadness, guilt and hurt are just as needed as joy, peace and curiosity. In order to understand emotion, you need language to accurately describe how you feel so that you’re not relying on old habit reactions to take over and create unneeded or false energy that leads to misalignment and eventually disconnection from others.
For example, if I become uncomfortable as a result of someone else’s anger, it can lead to a mindset that is not helpful, promoting either judgment or self-criticism rather than the identification of how I feel and what I need.
Examine these cognitive errors to see if you can relate to any of them:
What did I do wrong to make this person so upset?
That person is such a jerk. I have to stay clear of him!
I would never react that way. What is wrong with her?
I have to be “fake” around this person so that she doesn’t know I don’t like her.
That person is out to get me, I just know it.
He thinks I’m stupid!
That person doesn’t get it at all!
That person deserved my anger. I am just passionate about doing this correctly.
Notice the all-or-nothing thinking that limits your perspective. Regardless of the circumstances, your view is a partial truth with limited knowledge. Your initial reaction is not consistently accurate. It is simply your initial way of thinking based on habit experience. Can your bias influence reality? Yes, because none of us can see the big-picture view on any situation. We only see the story that we give it based on our experience. When we share feelings in neutral energy, emotions can be great teachers of what you need and what others need.
When you observe your emotions clearly, you stop creating a negative blame story that blocks your ability to see and solve the real problem. Often the real problem is how you are reacting or seeing the situation. When you jump into judgment, whether directed at others or at yourself, you keep yourself circling the same problem, slowing down your ability to manage whatever is before you.
When triggered to frustration, ask yourself these questions:
What am I feeling? Why is this bothering me?
Am I seeing this situation in its entirety, or is it a snapshot moment distorting my reality?
Does this situation belong to me? If it does, can I lean into it with questions to understand intention and influence positive change?
How can I communicate this situation with a warm and skillful energy, collaborating on solutions to address the core problem (not just what I observed from my limited view)?
When it comes to the things that irritate you, decide to stop judging yourself (or others) on the difficult days, wanting it to be easier. Easy is not better. It just feels better to you at that moment. Challenge yourself to see the trigger as an opportunity to make a positive impact by connecting first, growing your skills by not reacting strongly or avoiding the problem.
Assess your emotional intelligence by the effectiveness of managing problems, not by the presence of problems circling your experience. When you need to be assertive, share your feelings without judgment, criticism or blame. Emotions teach you about what you need. They point you toward your values, providing alignment and often resulting in connection with others when influencing change from kind honesty and neutrality.
Operating in a neutral energy keeps us all out of judgment. This is a peaceful platform to share your experiences and learn about the experience of others. So when your feelings show up, identify them clearly. Observe, name and share them skillfully with those around you. Your feelings bring insight. Let them be one of your best teachers.